I am an optimistic realist; I plan for the worst, hope for the best, and embrace what I get. I don't walk into things without doing my research first. I always "look before I leap", and I always like to explore the possible outcomes before making a decision. (That's probably why I wasn't nervous on my wedding day...I had already done the hard part and made my decision) I don't expect things to work out exactly like I anticipate and that is why I like to know the worst case scenarios...so that I am mentally prepared for whatever comes my way. Spontaneity and last minute decisions can make me uncomfortable because I am a planner. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy surprises or that every detail has to be planned out...I just prefer to have a general plan and let the details work themselves out.
This is how I approach pretty much all major decisions in my life and this is how I approached the decision to have a baby. Yes, our pregnancy was planned and I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting into. I have seen babies being born, I have learned how they develop and I knew that pregnancy wasn't a cake walk. I heard about the swollen ankles, the sleepless nights, the painful labor, the food aversions and cravings, the being so big that you can't get out of your chair...and I knew that it was worth it. I knew that every woman is different and that my experience wouldn't be exactly like anyone else, but I also thought I had a pretty good idea of what to anticipate.
What I don't remember ever hearing about is the first trimester...and that is a real shame because that would have been extremely helpful. Nobody bothered to tell me about being so sick that you can't leave your bedroom for days. Nobody mentioned that it is NOT like in the movies or on TV where you heave once and then you are back to normal...no one thought I should know that you can be heaving so hard that your eyes are watering and your stomach muscles and throat muscles ache for hours afterward. I never heard anyone say that morning sickness is a misnomer and that you can be sick all hours of the day. No, I didn't hear any of these stories until AFTER I was already experiencing it.
I appreciate knowing that I'm not the only one to go through this, but it would have been great to hear about this sooner so I could somewhat prepare. I am at 17 weeks now and for 12 of those 17, I have been sick. For 12 weeks I have been too sick to get out of bed for anywhere from 3 - 5 days a week. I consider it a good day if I don't vomit. I get stressed out and worn down by being sick all the time. I feel the same almost everyday, which is terrible. Even worse, I hate complaining about it so I put on a smile and say things that I don't always mean when people ask how I am doing.
Things are getting better. I LOVE that I have only thrown up 1 - 2 days for the last two weeks. Lately, I am not nearly as nauseous, which is awesome. And now that I am feeling well enough to think about it and talk about it, I have come to the conclusion that I am upset. Not because of what I'm going through, but because for some reason nobody spoke about this until after I got pregnant. In my opinion, that's crap! Don't women owe it to each other to be honest about the experience? Because when I am in the thick of it, I don't want to hear about how it is all worth it at the end. What I really want is honesty.
When I went on a mission, I was told that it would be the hardest thing I ever did, but that it would be the best time of my life. Truer words were never spoken. Some of the hardest moments of my life were on my mission and yet I wouldn't take any of it back. Pregnancy feels the same...it is one of the hardest things a woman can do, and it doesn't end after 9 months...no that is just the beginning. But no mother that I know would take it back or give up a child because it is also the best thing they have ever done. So why did I have to wait until I was miserable and sick before I started hearing similar stories? There is no reason why talking about morning sickness, or the other things that parents suffer, should be so taboo. It is not fair that I had to wait until I was already suffering before I got to hear the truth.
I have also noticed that while some people are trying to encourage me, they are doing it by sugar coating my future experiences. I have been told that the next pregnancy will be easier; that it won't be this bad. Maybe, but that's not guaranteed. Does that scare me? Yes. Does it make me want to stop at one child? Definitely not. I have been told that in 9 months I will hold my baby in my arms and I won't remember how awful I felt during the first trimester. Now that I believe; not because of the overwhelming love and responsibility that I know I will feel, but because I will be too tired to think about anything other than sleep and feeding and changing the crying baby so it will stop. I don't like being given false expectations because if I don't match up to it, I will feel guilty or inadequate. I appreciate the people who tell me the truth and admit that once the baby is born it is not always "easier" or "better", but that it is different in a good way.
I love my little baby. I am so excited to know if it is a boy or a girl and I am even more excited to see it in person in a few months. I am so grateful that I am pregnant and that Trip and I get to be parents. I am truly blessed and humbled to have this experience. I am not bitter and I do not resent this experience because I have been learning so much. I just think that it is better to be honest and better to say it the way it is so that others can benefit from my experience. I still appreciate the people who ask how I am doing and who care enough about me to support and encourage me. I just hope that from now on, I will get to hear more realistic experiences and not just the idealistic ones.
Super Easy, Super Moist Chocolate Cupcakes
3 years ago
Ah Kim I'm so sorry! Well, I had morning sickness maybe once or twice. If you want to relate to someone, you could read my old roommate's blog, http://kevinandlaurasmith.blogspot.com/2010/05/pregnancy-woes.html. She was nauseous her whole pregnancy. And I bet you could email her and chat more if you wanted.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'll be honest and tell you being a parent is hard, even for fathers. But having a child brings the so much joy. Be weary of sleep deprivation and stress because it wears on your patience immensely!!
Also, your baby will have their own sleep pattern after the newborn stage, and they may not sleep through the night as much as you want it. As nice as it is to read info to be prepared, it still is generalized. I think people say babies can sleep through the night by 5-6 months, pah! Anything can throw off their sleep, even after the sleep training- sickness, teething, etc. Liam just got 2 new teeth cut through and he didn't sleep well and I just wonder why did we bother to sleep train when something will make him revert back to waking every few hours?
Well, I don't want to make this comment insanely long so you can always message me if you want to talk. We love you! And it does get better when you're not pregnant, you shouldn't throw up! Something to look forward to and then you'll have your baby too :)
PS-A lot of people say that the 3rd trimester is pretty similar to the 1st, so be prepared!
WOW! Alright...brutal honesty. First, my take on pregnancy and the perceived lack of honesty. Speaking only for myself, when someone talks about being pregnant with me, I get nostalgic. I remember the amazing feeling of having a baby growing inside me, I feel the excitement of wondering what it will look like, what it's cry will sound like, what it's personality will be like. Then when experiences are brought up, then I remember the vomiting so much and so hard you feel like you are going to have the baby. Then I remember how horrible my skin got, breakouts and dry itchy. Then I remember the frustration of not wanting to go anywhere because you DO NOT feel attractive or glowing, you feel like a giant stuffed turkey that everyone is eyeballing at Thanksgiving. Then I remember the pain of having your baby push out an already cracked rib. Then I remember the fear of having a miscarriage. All this comes after those first nostalgic feelings and usually that is all I think of unless someone brings something up.
ReplyDeleteThen there is the after part. The part where you lose control of your bowels on the table while giving birth. Yes that does happen, and no, no one told me about it. Not until I was giving birth to Calix, did Tim blurt it out to me and then informed me I did it with Liesel as well. Great. Thanks. The part where even if you weigh something close to what you did pre-pregnancy, you WILL NOT fit into the same size clothes. Hips expand, legs stretch, stomach gets flabby. If you didn't feel glorious while you were pregnant, you definitely will not feel fabulous after. Lack of sleep and time for yourself will make you more irritable to people especially when terms like: a child's udder, burpcloth and wipe are all things that people will refer to you as.
ReplyDeleteBut I think there are 3 main reasons we as women don't talk about the bad. #1. After all that, we have become mothers and that really does change a person and their focus and their memories. #2. We have seen the women who didn't handle the pregnancy or post pregnancy well and suffered from deep depression during or afterwards, and so we try to be eternally positive and stay away from focusing on the bad. #3. Like you said, no one's pregnancy, post birth, or child raising years are the same. We know this so we don't like to throw things out there and possibly make someone feel like it is a competition to see who has the worst pregnancy story.
ReplyDeleteSo when it comes to pregnancy, just think of every bad scenario and there you go. There is your base to go off. Then after you give birth to a healthy beautiful child, only then will you come to a full realization of everything everyone has ever told you. The sad thing is, once you come to that realization, it instantly fades away and you get to go through it all again, only different. Maybe harder, maybe easier...you just never know.
Haha, this post made me laugh... You'll understand why women don't always talk about their sickness soon enough I think. Well, I suppose I'm not the one to ask because I don't get THAT sick. But, I still feel really nauseous and don't like it one bit. But, the truth is, I think we're meant to forget how we really felt. I mean, I can remember being "sick" with Brayden, but I can't really remember how it felt. It's sort of weird to explain. But, already I've forgotten how bad it really was this time around. It was definitely worse than it ever got with Brayden and I spent a few days trying to lay on the couch as much as Brayden would let me, but it already doesn't seem like it was "that bad."
ReplyDeleteI guess it makes sense. . . why would we even consider getting pregnant again if we could REALLY remember what it will be like in the beginning. I'm lucky because at about 17 weeks my sickness went completely away both times and now I just have some slight food aversions. I know not everyone is the same and I have definitely learned not to judge people for how many children they have or plan to have because pregnancy is tough stuff. And parenthood is tougher stuff. But, however cliche it may be - it is all worth it! When I see Brayden learning like crazy right now, I just can't wait to see him teach his little brother and to watch him look into the little baby eyes even though he's a baby himself. I feel like there is nothing more rewarding than getting even the smallest little hug from my baby. And when he makes his goofy faces or gives me a smile or laugh it just melts my heart. Newborns have their own challenges and rewards, but getting into toddler age I can already see how the challenges and rewards are changes. They become more bitter and more sweet at the same time.
I agree completely with what Leslie said - beware of the sleep deprivation and, I would add, the post partum blues because they really try your patience! I've never been a depressed person (as you know), but it was really emotionally and spiritually difficult when Brayden was first born. I didn't want to lose sleep. I felt like I should be doted on too and cared for and yet I was left to be the one doing the caring. And even when Preston or Mom would help (and they did alot!) it never seemed like enough. I only had the "blues" as compared to some with depression afterwards, but be prepared to really have to overcome your own issues while taking care of the obvious newborn issues too.
While your looking for things to expect, don't expect to feel any skinnier when the baby comes out. You have this ridiculous flab hanging off so you still look pregnant almost! It was kind of fun to play with :) But, only for a few days and then you want it gone! Breastfeeding did wonders for my immediate weight loss! Also, don't expect to feel great when you get home from the hospital. Yes, you won't have to go to the bathroom every hour or have trouble breathing or feel like your getting beat up from the inside at times, but you will be sore from nursing, have trouble bending over or sitting down (assuming you have it naturally - cross your fingers!) and you get more tired.
There's my two cents for what to expect (or maybe more like 50 cents if you judge by length). Next time I'll just send you an email :D
I'm happy your feeling better and hope that it goes away completely! Maybe then you won't really remember how bad you had it and you certainly won't remember enough to feel like sharing. Love you!!
Hi Kim,
ReplyDeleteLeslie (my old roommate) let me know about your blog since I had such a rough time too. It sounds like from reading your post that you actually don't need a whole lot of "oh, I had it awful too", because it sounds like you have gotten enough of that already. But feel free to read my posts about pregnancy on the link leslie sent you because I had the EXACT same thoughts about "why does it SEEM like no one else has this??". I felt so gulity because everyone was like "oh, I just love this little baby more than anything", and I literally did not feel that way AT ALL. I just was miserable, and I was actually mad at the baby who was making me miserable. Maybe that makes me a terrible person, but I came to find out that TONS of other people felt that way but they were too cowardly to admit it on their blogs. Well that made me mad, because like you are saying, it leads other women to feel badly if they have a rough time because all they see around them are "pretend happy pregnant people". I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but all I am trying to say is that I have been where you are standing and it was very frustrating to find out how many people had been in my shoes but never said anything publicly about it until after I was 6 months pregnant and felt like a terrible human being for not loving being pregnant.
Whew! I hope that made any sense at all. Anyway, I sure hope things get better for you and if you'd like you can feel free to email me at laura.mv.smith@gmail.com. Good luck!
I know this is WAY late in coming, but thanks so much to all of you who commented! It was nice to know that I'm not the only one who went through this and that I'm not the only one to feel this way. You guys are awesome!
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