Change is Hard

Lately it seems as though I have been learning that the advice we are often given in regards to relationships holds true in more ways than I originally thought.  I am sure many of us have heard that "you can't make someone change" or "he/ she won't change just because you want them to" or something very similar.  I believe this statement and have tried to apply this 'rule' to my relationships with family and friends.  For awhile I had thought that people merely needed to desire a change in order for it to happen.  I have since realized that in order for someone to make changes in their behavior, they must also be the one to decide to change.  Well, I have now found that this relationship rule has another layer of complexity.

Recently, I was able to observe someone who decided they wanted to change something at work.  They asked for advice on how to make this change possible.  The 'adviser' took their job seriously and spent hours of time that they did not have, sacrificing sleep, study time, and personal time to go above and beyond and do this person a 'favor'.  However, when the time came to give recommendations and share their advice, the 'advisee' turned out to be immovable and borderline hostile, as if the very idea of change was ludicrous.  (Not an exaggeration...I was present for this unfortunate event.)  Why would they react this way?!  I was utterly baffled.  I knew how sincerely the person had been about instituting change and yet they were so resistant when asked to commit to it.  I was caught completely off guard by this reaction.  If you desire to change and you have decided to change, why not make the change?  

It was in pondering this question that I came to a realization.  I too have set goals to change and yet in some instances I have resisted change very adamantly.  It certainly seems irrational and doesn't make sense now, but at the time it must have made sense to me.  And herein lies the lesson that I was being taught:  Desiring and deciding to change are not the only steps that must be taken in order for change to be successful.  I have desired many things and decided that I would have them, yet I still have not followed through on my decisions.  No, making the decision is just an intermediate step between desiring change and committing to the process of change.  Without being committed to our decision to change we will ultimately talk ourselves out of it when it gets difficult, which it inevitably will.  

We cannot force change upon others because they must be the ones to commit to the long and painful process that is 'change'.  If we are not committed we will not push through the resistance and barriers that stand in our way.  In these cases, the 'easy' path becomes the more enticing option and we abandon any change that can lead to self-improvement, telling ourselves it is "too hard" or "not worth the effort" so that we feel happy about justifying our failures.  This may sound dramatic and you may tell yourself you don't do this, but the reality is that we all do it to some extent or another.  

Change at any level is only possible when we commit ourselves to the outcome...when we talk ourselves in to change instead of out of it.  True, this is easier said than done.  Change is still hard.  But I would much rather feel the pain of change to improve myself and be happier than to stay the same and become blind to these opportunities.